Thursday, June 26, 2014

Rules To Live By/Facts

There are 1,899,012 blogposts about mothering: read them all and apply every lesson to your life, even if you’re not a mom.

There will be a test at the end of your life to see that you have taken care to recall every helpful tidbit you’ve read on Pinterest.

If you have deduced that the world expects your life to genuinely reflect that of your Instagram, you must pursue that life and assume failure if you cannot live up to that expectation.

On topic with expectations: always have them. The more detailed, the more helpful.

If someone doesn’t live up to the expectations you have imagined for them, blame them.

If you are driving and a fellow driver annoys you, assume an expression of deep offense. If said fellow driver notices your sour expression, he or she will hail you as king until they die.

If you need the cars surrounding you to evaporate, make a phone call.

Yelling “hey, lady,” to get a woman’s attention will get you places in life, while yelling, “hey, gentleman,” is just offensive.

Females who bring children with them into public places are sub-human, except if that female is accompanied by a well-groomed bearded man and/or yoga pants.

If you cross paths with a woman who is well into her pregnancy, it is only polite of her to pause, wait for you to place your hand on her abdomen, and await your assessment.

When looking at a menu board or for a friend in a movie theater, avoid a blank expression at whatever cost.

If you want your friends to trust you, focus all conversation on the stupidity of your other friends.

Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.

Thank you,

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